Did We Learn Anything In 2012?

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 You bet we did, I learned at least ten new words in Spanish and none of them was a curse word, proving you can teach an old dog new tricks.

We learned that if you eat a triple bypass burger at the Heart Attack Grill in Vegas, you might actually have a heart attack. We also learned that what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. As the man lay on the floor clutching his chest, tourists continued to snap pictures believing it to be a publicity stunt. The restaurant allows anyone over three hundred pounds to eat free and the waitresses dress in nurses uniforms.

A drunken man in Illinois dialed 911 at four in the morning with an unusual request. He was having a particular miserable day and could think of nothing that might cheer him up better than getting in a fight with a police officer. Several officers were immediately dispatched, after all to serve and protect is their motto. He didn’t get exactly what he ordered, delivery people suck. I wonder, did he order cheesy bread too? In 2012 is it smart to order police officers to beat up? I’ll stick with pizzas. Did they arrive in thirty minutes or less? If not, was it free?

We might have learned something from this, but it may take years to figure out what. A Panamanian woman arrived in Madrid, Spain, from Bogotá, Colombia, and after acting strangely, was strip searched. The only unusual things found were fresh cuts, stitches and a little blood under her prominent breasts. She explained she had just had breast augmentation. Fearing for her health, she was sent to the local hospital where x-rays confirmed there was something unusual about her implants. The implants were removed and found to contain over three pounds of cocaine. I could write hundreds of jokes about this, but none would be printable. Once this Pandora’s Box has been opened, is there a way to close it. What ingenious ideas will rednecks and plastic surgeons develop with breasts and beer kegs? It boggles the mind.

From Larry Hagman, we learned that while Hollywood and Dallas, with the help of a lot of makeup, can bring you back in, God can always take you out. Once you’ve owned a genie, isn’t it pretty much all downhill from there?

With the passing of Dick Clarke and Don Cornelius, we learned that somewhere out there is a train and a bandstand with no soul.

We learned that Elizabeth Taylor is no longer husband shopping and that Etta James time did, at last, come, the world will miss both, one for her legendary looks and the other for her legendary voice.

After a prolonged absence from the stars, Neil Armstrong and Sally Ride are among them again. Once you’ve been there, is there anywhere else you want to be?

We learned that Phyllis Diller, who never was as ugly as she set herself up to be, will now go on to be the ugliest woman in a more beautiful place.

Whitney Houston demands the question be asked. If you have it all, what exactly do you have?

Ray Bradbury wrote about the future in the past, but for all his brilliance he taught us that we all die in the present.

What did Andy Griffith teach us? He taught us everything. Sheriff Andy Taylor proves that television does not need to be the evil that eats us. Mayberry helped shape the minds of a generation.

George McGovern taught us that the right person does not always win, when he lost to tricky Dick.

Sherman Hemsley taught us that eventually everyone is indeed, movin on up.

Steven R. Covey taught us that there are actually 8 Habits Of Highly Effective People.

Let us not forget, what we learned about politics in 2012. After years of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck being written in and actually receiving votes, the Grinch that almost stole Christmas ran against Mr. Potato head and one of them miraculously won, you decide which was which.

I guess the biggest thing we learned was that the Mayan’s simply ran out of paper, stone tablets or just got tired and had no clue about our future. Still, some wacko decided the calendar predicted the world would end on December 21, 2012. We learned that people will buy enough stuff to last them the rest of their lives when they believe the world will end in just a few days, and unlike what we’ve always been told, they believe they can take the bottled water they buy at Wall-Mart, with them when they go.

As we survived December 21, 2012, we survived the entire year. We’ll miss those who did not, but personally, I look forward to spending 2013 with those who did.

Happy New Year.